We went to the beach! Woohoo! I love the beach. I’m pretty sure I have it in my blood. My dad and sister can spend hours hiking through the woods, looking at plants, and enjoying nature. I can’t. I can, however, spend hours sitting, walking, swimming, and reading on a beach. I don’t have to do anything. It can be hot or cold or foggy or whatever. I don’t care. I want to be on the beach. Not a little lake either. Huron, Lake Michigan, the ocean, something big with waves and a skyline that stretches out beyond sight. With ships scudding across the waves and gulls flying overhead. That’s where I want to be at any given moment.

This time, we went to a nearby beach on one of our fabulous Great Lakes and brought Jo with us. Just me, Mom, Fay, and Jo on a beach for a few hours. The beautiful thing about our beach is that the shore dips so gradually that you can still stand up over 100 yards into the water. And it dips and rises so that some places are actually only knee-deep despite being past the designated swim area.

I did put sunscreen on this time! I still fried. I got my shoulders, legs, and face, but our sunscreen is terrible and looks like white paint. Did you know skin changes over time? Yeah. Mine apparently has. Normally, that would have made a slight burn on my back (where I’m currently sporting a lovely shade of rose pink) and the burn would have turned to a tan in 24-36 hours. My freckles come out on the first day in the sun. 10 minutes, and my body is like “oh, it’s summer? Here’s your freckles!” I’m used to it. I actually kind of like my freckles. I don’t like the white stripe that appears on my nose. But I digress.

Anyway, as I was saying, my skin is now bright pink on my back, and a bit swollen and quite sore. This is all new to me. Next time, I’m making sure we stop for Coppertone.

So, recently I applied for a pretty sweet job with a local college. I have 3 friends in the department, and all of them recommended me for the position. I got the interview, it went really well and the manager even told me so. And then yesterday I got the email with the decision.

I didn’t get the job.

And honestly, I’m super disappointed.

It wasn’t writing or editing, but it was graphic design, which is my major and I’m more than willing to work in that field. And no, it wasn’t a career. But it was a stable, steady job with good pay and benefits only 15 minutes from home. It was perfect, they were nice, I had an awesome portfolio, they liked me, and I had 3 recommendations from current employees. So why didn’t I get the job?

Honestly, it made me pretty depressed yesterday. I skipped church because A) I’m too sunburned to wear anything but this one shirt that I’m now wearing all the time and I didn’t want to hurt myself; B) The sunburn dehydrated me and I was really tired from our day at the beach. Which was fabulous by the way; and C) That rejection just made me really depressed to the point where I didn’t want to see any human life forms, let alone interact with them.

From high on Tuesday to serious bummer on Wednesday. And honestly, I’m struggling with trusting God to take care of it.

I’ve put out probably around 200 applications to jobs in my field of choice. I’ve also applied to a couple dozen that could work until I get into my field of choice. Nothing. That was the only bite. Well, I did get one that would have hired me on the spot, but it was in finance again, and I was just really honest with him about it not being my field of choice. He was fantastically nice and agreed that I needed to pursue my dream before settling.

So here’s my struggle. I have a degree (minus one math class, but I’m working on it, ok?). I graduated Magna Cum Laude. I have a double minor. My major and minors are very adaptable. I have lots of experience in and outside my chosen field. So why isn’t anyone even asking for an interview? I know part of it is that I’m in Michigan and that can be difficult for people, but I’ve said I can relocate. So what gives?

Granted, I’ve said many times before that my chosen area is very difficult to get in and I might have to take a part-time job until I get a career. That’s been my plan for awhile now.  But there really aren’t many part-time jobs available near me either. Which is where my mind and faith start battling.

My faith reasoning is that if God didn’t want me to have that job at the college, he must have something better for me planned. Not necessarily a better job right away, but something that I would have missed out on if I had taken that one. It might be the part-time for awhile before a better opportunity, but it will be better for me.

And here’s my brain’s reasoning: There. are. no. jobs. Let me clarify: there are no jobs outside the fast food or retail industries. I’m avoiding them at all costs. And there are administrative jobs, but they’re all in the medical field so you have to have a thorough knowledge of medical terminology. So my INFJ over-thinking abilities are on overdrive. If I’m supposed to be getting a different job, then where is it? Because I need an income like yesterday. It’s hard on me and my parents when I don’t have a job. And I like having one, but I’m tired of having crappy jobs with crappier bosses. So, now, I want to see something. Anything.

And there’s my battle. Faith says God has something better, and everything works to his timing. Brain says NEED JOB NOW, and why the heck haven’t I been called for all these jobs I’m more than qualified for? It’s become a game of faith versus brain and self-doubt has been winning. A typical internal argument goes something like the following:

Faith: If we didn’t get the job, it’s because God has something better planned out for our life.
Brain: Or it’s because we suck.
Faith: Noooo, it probably just wasn’t right for us at this time.
Brain: Need a job! And we suck.
Faith: We’ll get a job when it’s time for it. It may not be the career one first, but it will be what works for our life. And no we don’t.
Brain: There are no jobs. And the career people won’t call back. Someone more fabulous is getting those jobs. Also, need money now.
Faith: God’s timing!
Brain: I’m not listening! Lalalalala! And we still suck.

See? They’re duking it out. And I’m stuck in the middle in a puddle. Also, self-doubt is being helped by my inability to math for that exam to finish my degree. And Mom doesn’t get it. She’s just frustrated with me because can’t see the doubt that’s built itself up from a puddle to a tidal wave. When it gets that big, motivation leaves the premises.

So, in the meantime, I’m doing chores, studying math, starting workouts again, and sending out a billion job applications and resumes. Maybe I should go back to the beach…